" Do you believe in me?
Do you believe I am powerful enough to save the souls of those you cry for?
Do you believe I am strong enough to carry you all the way?
Do you believe I have the victory when all you can see is pain and darkness?
Do you REALLY believe in me?"
With tears in my eyes and after thinking about it for awhile I said "I do Jesus, please give me more faith, I want to believe every word you say".
I had tears in my eyes because He was looking straight into my soul, he was looking at my doubts, he was looking at the pain I have carried from broken lives, he was looking at my fears. He knows me, I was naked with all my ugliness, my black spots in my heart and I couldn't lie. But I wanted to believe in him, despite the lack of hope in the lives of the teen moms I love so much, despite the wrong decisions they make everyday, despite their need. They are poor and needy, but so am I. How am I supposed to give them hope when I feel so hopeless some days, how am I supposed to show them love when I am so exhausted. I feel so weak, my spirit is oh so weak. "Father", I cried : "why me, I am so weak, I can't deal with this anymore, this ministry is a lot more than I can handle. I am so weak, look at me, please! I am so weak". Father said, "dear daughter this is exactly why I chose you, because you are so weak. Because when you are weak I am strong. This is not your work, these girls are not your girls, they are mine and you are mine. I love you daughter. I feel your pain, it's my heart inside of you the one that hurts, it hurts for them, the lost souls, the poor and the needy, but as this is my heart, it is also my burden, not yours. You can not save them, you will never be able to save them, they need me and you need me. You are as broken as they are, but you have me, I carry you. I'll carry you all the way, I know just how hard it is, but I got you. I got you. Do you REALLY believe in me?"
And with that he left, and I was there, standing, still crying. I realized, I have HIM. I have him, he is mine and I am his. Why do I keep forgetting that? I have him and he is mine. He is all I need. The broken lives are still there, the girls are still needy and so am I. The world is an ugly nasty place, nothing has changed. But I have him, I am his. And then I had hope again, I had joy, I felt alive inside. So, I remembered why I needed to keep on showing God's love, I remembered why I put my life aside, why I walk in little trails that lead to houses, why I hug, why I pray, why I love. It is because I need him and they need him, he saved me and he can save them, there is nothing impossible for him, he is MY GOD. I believe, I believe, my soul yelled at him I BELIEVE.
Psalm 73:26
